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Christian Counseling:
Dating
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Justin Lookadoo with family and friends. I highly recommend him. His new book just out is Dateable. This is a great book for teens about dating. See his Website at http://rudateable.com |
My Dating Disasters / Dating Dangers
Where I live in Philadelphia, most girls by 13 have already had sex and know more about it than you do. Why is this? Many roomed the streets from toddlers on up with little or no supervision. Many of the girls do not have fathers that are at home. They are starved for affection of a caring father so they they go looking for affection of a peer. Guys are thinking sex while girls are thinking relationship. Soon sex is the glue the holds them together and so quickly separates them.
Guys!
For many guys in their teens, girls are a conquest. Once you have sex with them, you have conquered and now it is time to move on to another girl to conquer. The girl thinks sex cements their relationship, but instead speeds up the break up of their relationship. I remember the very disguising story about a group of teenage boys who set out to see how many girls they could conquer. When one guy would get a girl to give in and have sex with him, he would call all his friends in his group to come over so they also could have sex with her.
For other guys, having many girl friends is a sign of success. They see MTV with scantly clad girls throwing themselves at rock stars. That's what I want, they think. When I was in college, I heard of a guy from a well known Christian university that was engaged to three different girls at the same time. He had one girl back at his home town, one girl at his college, and another from somewhere else. They all had rings and were planning to get married until they found out about the other girls that were engaged to him. Now he has no girl friends. Many girls feed a guys ego. A guy's ego has a very big appetite.
Why are guys like this? A guys hormones are raging with testosterone. It is the way we are designed. Control is the key. His wild horses of testosterone must be reigned in. Just as your anger must be controlled. If I let my anger go, I would probably have killed many people I did not like, or who got in my way. If I let my hormones, I would probably have sex with every pretty girl that walked down the street. I see masturbation as a safety valve. Getting married is even better.
Teasing: Teasing is not the way to say I love you, but for most guys this is the only way they can express themselves.
Girls!
Girls love attention. The more guys doting over them the better. I remember a 13 year old girl who had a birthday party. She had about 20 guys and one girl come to her party. Spin the bottle was top priority. She was the bait while 20 salivating sharks were ready to pounce.
One day I took a very beautiful girl home from a conference. She seemed to just ooze energy. Her pheromones were flooding the area saying I'm available, I'm a woman now. Guys were following us behind our van honking their honk at her. We stopped at McDonalds because my kids were hungry. Guys there were staring at her. Her smile seemed to captivate them. She had a devastating smile that could cause a man to sin. When we left they followed us out the door and starred until we left. I never saw a girl attract so many guys like a super magnet.
This can drive guys crazy. They do not want a girl who can not make up her mind on what guy to go out with.
To play or not to play games. My ego was so fragile and introvert that I would only ask a girl out once. If she said no, I would never ever ask her out again. Why waste my time trying to go out with a girl that was not interested in me? If she said yes, we would go out until she said no.
To See and be Seen!
South Street, the guys want to see, and the girls want to be seen. Girls dressing provocatively, will get the guys to stare. This attracts a guy who thinks it is easy to get sex from you, while you are thinking of getting a nice personal relationship. Is attraction important! of course, but what or who are you attracting. A smile can melt any guys heart.
Asking a girl out on a date was worse than facing a thousand deaths. I would be very nervous, and start sweating like a hog. There never seemed to be a right time to ask her out especially if there were others around. The more people around the more the probability of escalation of humiliation of being turned down. If you are turned down, guys say I really was not interested in her, but down deep he really was.
Extrovert or Introvert!
I'm an introvert with social skills of about 0 with strange ideas about dating.
Love triangles always seem to happen. The guy or girl you are interested in, always seems to be interested in someone else.
Pigeon Holed?
One date and you're going steady, a second date you're going steady, and by the third date you are practically married. This is what it seemed like at Bible college where to purpose of dating was only to find a mate. If you were dating someone, he or she was off limits to anyone else.
Just say no!
Guys want to pressure you for sex. Their hormones are raging for sex. You need to clearly say no. But we are planning to get married, or now days, live together. More accuses to get you to give in. The classic one is "if you love me, you'll let me." If he really loves you, he learn to wait to get married. Many girls may say no with their mouth, but yes with their body language. They are starving for affection, so they do not want them to say no with their body. They want to keep their relationship, and not loose their guy.
Some girls do find out that sex will keep a guy interested for a while, but it will not hold them in the long run. Why should a guy marry her when he gets what he wants already with no strings attached. Why buy the cow when the milk is free?
Guys like to fool around, but when they want to settle down and get married, they want a virgin. They do not want used merchandise that has made the rounds.
The Only One For Me
God has one and only one person that is the perfect mate for you. After the honeymoon many wake up thinking I married the wrong person. I had a roommate in seminary who was looking for the perfect wife who did not wear makeup which was evil, and did not wear pants which was an abomination (wearing a veil over her face was optional, of course without any makeup the veil sounds like a necessity to me). My wife and I are exactly opposite in almost everything and every way. There is a very interesting book entitled Opposites Attract/Attack. There is also the popular book Men are from Mar, and Women are from Venus.
Commitment is Key
I think the most important key to a marriage is commitment. Why do some couples not marry? They or usually one of them is not ready to commit. I was in my thirties, and I was getting desperate to find someone to marry. My then to be wife was in her late twenties and was also desperate to get married. Two desperate people looking for love, like a magnet were pulled right away to each other. No time to play games. We were married within a year. After the honeymoon we began to see how opposite we were. A marriage based on a warm cozy feeling of love will not last long. I want to commit myself to this person no matter what the circumstances, for rich or for poor (mainly poor) in sickness (a lot of sickness), or in health, till death do us part.
Adjustments: Ability to adjust is also key. Give and take.
Genes Rule
Girls! you are looking for your father type guy. Guys! you are looking for your mother type girl. This sounds disguising (Dating my mom! Are you crazy!), but it's true.
To Date or not to Date?
There is a book entitled "I Kissed Dating Good Bye" by Joshua Harris. I think this is a extreme view. If we want to be Biblical, parents arranged your marriage for you in Biblical times. Bill Gothard also has some very strange views. He believes courtship is Biblical not dating.
For the young teen years I think group dating is the best. This is youth groups doing different activities together.
News Links!
Where's Poppa? Absent dads linked to early sexual activity by daughters. Long-term studies conducted in the United States and New Zealand indicate that girls are particularly likely to engage in sexual activity before age 16 and to get pregnant as teenagers if they grew up in families without a father present.