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Christian Counseling:
Marriage

Warning for those over 18 only!

Common Myths

Opposites Attract!

My wife and I are complete and total opposites. We did not realize this until after we were married. Opposite personalities tend to gravitate together. If the husband and wife are both very dominate, then the marriage will probably not last long unless they can resolve their conflicts.

Opposites Attack!

The very things that attracted me to my wife became the very things that caused conflict in the marriage. The conflicts can be used to polish off the rough spots in our personalities. There is an excellent book that talks about this entitled, Opposites Attract/Attack.

Background Differences

The more your background is different from your spouse the more problems there are to adjust too. There are differences between rich, poor, educated, uneducated, rural, city, black, white, and North, South. Age differences can cause problems. The divorce rate is higher for those who have a five year or more age difference.

The way I was raised was very different than the way my wife was raised. I come from a strict fundamentalist Baptist background. We did not go to the movies for they supported wicked Hollywood movies.

Men are from Mars!

Another big factor is that there are major biological and psychological differences between men and women. There is an excellent book entitled, Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus by John Gray, Ph.D. (published by HarperCollins, 1992). This book points out the differences and shows how to improve your relationship.

The Little Things!

I remember going on a trip overseas. I thought I would not have any problems adjusting, but I did. It was not the big things, but the little unexpected things. The same it true in marriage.

High Expectations!

My wife and I both had unrealistic expectations. She expected lots of cards and flowers, and I expected lots of sex. Since we were both Christians, we thought we would have no problems. My wife thought our children would be perfect angels.

Myth of the Perfect Soul Mate!

There is a wide spread myth that there is just one Mr. Right for my life. After the honeymoon is over, you wake up and realized I married Mr. Wrong. The truth is that there is no perfect soul mate. As soon as you marry him, you find out that he was not so perfect after all. Should I marry someone else? The grass always looks greener on the other side. The other side usually turns out much worse.

Let's suppose you do divorce to find Mr. Right or someone better. It is highly likely you will marry the same personality type again because opposites do attract.

The time that you must and should separate or divorce is if there is spousal abuse. See Battered Wives.

Finding my Father or Mother!

Your family background is so influential that subconsciously, the girl will look for a husband that is like her father, and the boy will look for a wife that is like his mother.

After marriage women want to change their man, while men want their women to stay the same!

Trying to improve your man will be very difficult if not impossible. The only thing you can change for sure is yourself. There is an interesting book entitled, What You Can Change & What You Can't by Martin E. P. Seligman, Ph.D. (published by Knopf, 1993). Most of the time we end up trying to change the things we really can not change.

What is your Emotional Intelligence?

There is an excellent book entitled, Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman (published by Bantam, 1995). One may be smart intellectually, but inept at handling their emotions. This book gives helpful insights.

Parenting

The myth of the perfect children.

My wife thought that since we were both Christians and in Christian ministry, we would have perfect children. The first baby who came out screamed for several months, dashed these dreams.

Each Child is Different

Each child has his unique personality. Therefore you can not rise them exactly the same way.

The Way Kids Think

There is a very interesting book entitled, Kid Think by Dr. William Lee Carter (published by Word, 1991). It deals with the six most common behavioral problems with children. Another good book is Why Children Misbehave : A Guide to Positive Parenting by Bruce Narramore (Zonderzan, 1980).

Abortion

I think there are extremes on both sides of this issue. I think there are times when abortion is necessary. I think it is cruel to make someone who has been raped to carry the baby to term.

I do not think passing certain laws will solve the problem.

I think time and money would be better spent on the prevention of the need to have an abortion. Proper education on sex and contraception is a start. The psychological affects of an abortion should also be discussed. The "day after pill" seems to be a good idea for certain situations.

Homosexuality

Again I think there are extremes on both sides. Evidence seems to indicate that genetics may predispose a person to homosexuality. The environment also has a great affect as well.

The homosexual will have certain feelings that he can not change or control, but he can control his actions. I have feelings of hate sometimes, but I do not act them out and kill someone. I have feelings for sex, but I do not run out to find the first women that will have sex with me.

Christians should not condemn the homosexual, but show Christ's love. You win people with honey, not vinegar.

The Pros and Cons of Pre-martial Sex

I want to satisfy my sexual urges. There are a lot of urges that I would like to satisfy, but society deems it wrong. The thing that separates man from monkey is the ability to control ones urges. I get angry, but I do not go out and kill the person. I may covet someone's car, but I do not steal it. I may lust after a women, but I do not act on it because I am married.
I want to have fun. Many times fun comes at a very high price, like VD, Aids, and other diseases. Teens think they are invincible, thinking it will never happen to me. I have seen that sometimes when someone gets Aids, they want to give it to as many others as possible. Kicks have their kick backs. Drugs have their highs and lows. There are also psychological kick backs, like shame, guilt, rejection, depression, suicidal thoughts. The result may be unwanted pregnancy, and abortions.
I want to keep my boyfriend. Having sex will not keep a boyfriend. It will most likely end your relationship. If he really loves you, he will wait until they are married. For a boy sex is a conquest. He then moves on to conquer someone else. When he is ready to settle down and get married, he usually wants a virgin, not used merchandise.

Pornography

My flesh loves pornography. I could spend all day looking at porno, but it will not satisfy. We all have urges that need to be controlled.

How can just looking do any harm? I remember the story of a girl who was stabbed to death in NYC. There were 37 witnesses who looked and did nothing. Was this right? Porno can harm you physically and psychologically. It can affect your relationship with others.

It does not harm anyone? Porno supports an industry that exploits women and children. Would you want your daughter to be a porn star? That girl in the picture is some daddy's little girl.

I remember the story of a man who went on a business trip. He stayed at a hotel. Late at night there was a knock at the door. No doubt a prostitute wanting some business. No one will see me! It will be OK! So he opened the door and there was his daughter dressed as a prostitute. She was trying to pay her way through college by selling her body on the side.

Key Books

Opposites Attract/Attack

Key Questions???

What about masturbation? It's official - masturbation is good for you. New research indicates that the more often men ejaculate between the ages of 20 and 50, the less likely they are to develop prostate cancer. The greatest protective effect comes in a man's twenties - those who ejaculated more than five times a week were a third less likely to develop aggressive prostate cancer later in life. One possible explanation for the effect is that frequent ejaculation flushes carcinogens from the prostate gland. See Masturbating may protect against prostate cancer.

Domestic violence (24 Jul) - Children who witness their parents using violence against each other and who regularly receive excessive punishment are at increased risk of being involved in an abusive relationship as an adult, according to a 20-year study that followed children into adult romantic relationships. In partner violence cases that result in injury, the study finds that being the victim of physical abuse and conduct disorders as a child are also important risk factors. See Exposure to violence between parents significantly increases risk for adult partner violence.

Institute for Biblical & Scientific Studies

Christian Counseling: Marriage